Hope This Doesn't Sound Preachy

Watching this week's episode of Noah's Arc triggered something that I have been pondering for a little while. For those who haven't seen it, I won't go into great detail about the whole episode but talk about the scenario. This week, Alex realizes that he still has issues with Trey (his bf) hanging so closely with Guy (the "straight" friend). When Alex decides to "check up" on them one night he says that he has issues with his insecurities.

Before I go on, I must say that the following is a generalization and doesn't apply to everyone and are of my feelings. This statement of being insecure bothers me for a couple of reasons. From talking with a few people the connotation of insecure changed. It has developed into saying that the one feeling insecure doesn't feel adequate enough to keep their lover. Therefore, feels the need to "check up" on their lover frequently in order keep the best thing that they have going for them. With that being said, this mentality seems a little warped to me. WE ALL KNOW that in this lifestyle that you can get laid and/or be in an awful relationship regardless of how you look. You can be fat, thin, what some consider ugly, to drop dead gorgeous and it doesn't matter. Unfortunately, all that matters to some is that you are willing to lay down long enough. Now, that is not to say that some have it easier than others. So if someone in this case is "checking up" on their lover isn't really about trying to keep their lover as the only thing they can get but to protect something greater. They are trying to protect their investmet. Yes, I said investment. They have invested their time, money, and most importantly their heart into the relationship and are trying to protect themselves. In other words, it is not about the lover. Afterall, you can trust people with material things like cars, money, clothes, etc because if they take it you can replace it with same thing or something greater. It isn't the same with your heart. If they take it, you are never really quite the same.

Second of all, the denotation of the word is "The state of feeling insecure; uncertainty; want of confidence". If this is the case, then I feel the lover should WANT to change whatever behaviour that is causing this lack of confidence within reason. For example, if your lover comes to you and expresses that they feel uncomfortable because lately you have been spending a lot of time with a specific person. You can handle it one of two ways. You can tell them that they are over-reacting, call them insecure and tell them that they need to trust you and just end the conversation. Or, you can try to find a way that will appease your lover while keeping your friend. Some ideas would be to not hang around that friend alone until you lover feels comfortable. Invite your lover with you when hanging with that friend. In other words, compromise.

I believe the greatest problem with black and latino relationships is the lack of healthy communication. Meaning, instead of always joking around, talk about some of the issues in the back of your head. When someone is talking to you, make an effort to listen and not just hear what they are saying. Quit relying on cliches to side-step the conversation because it makes you feel uncomfortable. These things lead to one person feeling insecure (denotation) about the relationship. And you can't have a healthy relationship if one has unresolved issues.


Anonymous August 24, 2006 12:25 PM  

It is fine to have insecurities because they are only direct impressions about things they sense and pick-up on. Unfortunately, most of the time our insecurities is true.

Communicating is fine, but what is the use when you cannot trust your significant other?

I will trust my insecurity before another human being who claim to love me or want to be with me because your insecurities is you first life of defense!

fuzzy August 24, 2006 12:38 PM  

Hmmmm, well I would have to SOMEWHAT side with the captain. Insecurity is a human emotion like every other that we experience. I believe that we should listen to them in a proper way and not let them get the best of you. Self Control is key!

I have a question. If one has insecurities, should one enter a relationship before that person has a chance to deal with them in an effective way?

Ty August 24, 2006 1:21 PM  

@ Fuzzy
If your friend/lover is the one doing an action that causes some insecurity then how can you deal with it prior to the relationship? Also, can't it be dealt in an effective way during the relationship. Here is an example; say that Shawn has developed a very close bond with a friend. Say, they go out all the time alone (without you), there is a lot of touching even in front of you, the person is ALWAYS over, when he isn't at the house they are always on the phone until the early hours in the morning, and you feel left out of the picture like a third wheel on a date. Say you start to feel insecure about the carrying on. You should feel comfortable enough to say to Shawn that this bothers you. And I feel that Shawn should make a conscious effort to make you feel MORE comfortable when the friend is around.

What usually happens, in my example, is that Shawn tells you that you are trippin' and are insecure and just need to get over it. Shawn continues with these actions and causes a host of other problems. You knowing that you are not over-reacting, and knowing if the shoe was on the other foot, that Shawn would probably feel the same way. So you decide to give him a taste of his own medicine. What you have then are two people who have insecurity issues that are not addressed because when/if it is brought up is dismissed simply by calling each other insecure as if it is a self imposed condition.

The only way that I think that you can deal with it prior to a relationship is to not give a damn in the first place. You can care less if they cheat or not, if someone is trying to steal your man or not... If that is the case, why even go into a relationship?

Omar Ramon August 28, 2006 6:09 PM  

umm yeah...wow..ok...
your gut instincts are usually true in my experience and should be trusted BUT you should not over react...self control IS key.

Insecurities should be dealt with (not harbored and cultivated nor blown out of proportion) as soon as possible but not at the sacrifice of tact .

What fuzzy said is true: i believe he is referring to the fact that the unresolved issues of past relationships often distort our pperceptions of current situations.

But in the end communication smoothes it all out. folk talk too much and not enough. happens every day

Delaleuverses August 31, 2006 4:26 PM  

When I feel so stable in a relationship which I feel is too good to be true I tend to start analyzing bits and pieces for example why is he on his cell for so long when we're out on a date? just little things that makes me insecure and it's not really his fault to begin with. Sometimes I have to catch myself.

This is a great post and with you addressing the issue shows you are on the right path, we all have insecurities whether it's being in a relationship or dealing with our body image, it all depends on how you handle it.