The Frame That Exists Before the Photograph

Ok, sorry it took so long to post something but after the double deaths in the family, it has been crazy. On my way back to Indy, I had time to reflect on when my mom, uncles, grandparents, etc were alive while I was growing up. I remember it was like the Cosby show. There was all of the love that I could have ever wanted in just those few people. Even throughout the bad times, the love was more than evident. I often brag about being blessed with having my great-great grandmothers living until I was in high school and both sets of my great-grandparents were alive to see me graduate from high school. All of them passing their wisdom down to me. The long talks, how they could explain the world to me and teach me how to be a better person. I have to admit my life has been a pretty photograph overall.

I really didn't realized how much I missed my family until I went back. This time is was very evident that they missed me too. I could see in the younger one's eyes and hear in their voice that they are looking for me to be what my mom, uncle, and grandmother were to me when I was growing up. They want me to be that pillar in the family. The one that keeps everyone together. The one that keeps everyone sane. The confidant, the listening ear, the open heart, the one that just understands.

I was at the funeral and really just thought how bitter-sweet this experience was for me. Even with all of the happiness of seeing each other after so long, there was also a blinding light. For the first time, I could notice the fear, feel their lost of drive, smell the realization of their mortality in each of the older generation's very being. I could read in their eyes as they looked at each other, "Who's next?"

For the first time I see the frame that exists before the photograph.

Missed Question/Family Drama/Would You Want To Know?/Just For Laughs

Missed Question
Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. It really made me feel nice. There was a question from the last post that wasn't answered, so I will answer it now. Cathy (Lyrically speaking) asked, "My question to you is Where do you see yourself in ten years?"

I see myself with the following:
In my own house
In a steady relationship
Having at least two shows a year
Debt free (including student loans)
D/D free
Being a better friend
Living quite comfortably (financially)
Giving back more to the community

Family Drama
I am trying not to make this a long or sad post but just for an update in my life. One of my favorite uncles passed on Sunday. He had a stroke and was in the house a couple of days before anyone noticed to check on him. Which is not to blame anyone because he was kind of to himself sometimes. Then I found out yesterday morning at work that my grandfather in CA passed. I don't like to show emotion at work but I totally lost it.

Now my uncle was on my mom's side and my grandfather is on my dad's side and the funerals are on the same day. One in Indy and the other, of course, in CA. I feel really torn as to which I should attend. Especially since my mom's side of the family kind of disowned my dad after he remarried so soon after my mom's death. I know if I attend my grandfather's, there will be so much hell to pay but at the same time I really want to support my dad during his time of loss. Family drama is so frustrating.

Would You Want To Know?
I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with a friend over this past weekend. If you haven't seen it, I won't go too far into it but it is worth seeing. And if you are going to see it, don't continue reading. lol Anyway, it leads to some thought-provoking questions that I wonder how you would answer. So sound off:

If you could totally erase the memories of someone that you once loved who has broken your heart, would you?

While you are yet falling in love with someone, you both found a note from the future. In the note, it describes everything that you hate about that other person explaining why you guys break up. Would you continue seeing that person?

Just For Laughs

My 100th and Birthday Post

That's right, today is my birthday. I thought I would feel depressed but I feel good in my soul. Yay, Happy Birthday to me.

In my last post, I stated that I would answer questions that anyone had for me in celebration of my 100th post. I have only received two and they are:

1) "Where's your favorite place to go to have fun?"
I can't really say that there is one place that I go to have fun. It all depends on my mood. If I am feeling stressed, I will go salsa dancing out in Queens or just go out to a club. Sometimes it is ALL about staying home and watching a movie and being lazy. I also enjoy just hanging out with friends. I can just go to a friends house and chill doing nothing. And of course, I love creative and cultural events of all types. In other words, if I think that I will like it, I'm on my way. lol

2) If you had a choice to be straight, would you?
This is a good one. I really would have to say that it would have depended on when I was asked. If I were asked before I was comfortable with my sexuality, then I would have quickly taken the offer. But now, I honestly have to say that I don't know. My gut tells me that I would eventually say no and accept what God has given me.

Disco Diva Meets Bohemian Beauty

I went to my friend's, Marco Hall, Fashion Show on yesterday and really have to say that I was blown away. You know how people tell you that they do something and you underestimate them? Well that was me on last night. He invited me to his show and I'm thinking like a church fashion show but what I received was this:

I have to say, "Congratulations Marco!!! I am soooo proud of you!!!". The venue was excellently chosen, the music was driven and the clothes were fantastic. Thank you for the invite and the inspiration.