No Looking Back (Pt 3 Revelations)

... I found myself at Pride. It was your usual myriads of half naked men and women parading down the street celebrating life. Then, I heard a familiar sound from the distance. It was church music. And not just church music, Pentecostal style music. Instantly, I was like, "What the....?!?" And sure enough, there was a float for a church with SGL people on it in the middle of Pride. I instantly knew that I had to get a flyer but at the same time knew that they had to be from out-of-town. It was to my surprise that I realized that they were in Harlem. I know, right?!? Harlem!!!

So I decided to give it a try. And, although it is a bit smaller than many of the churches that I've been affiliated with as an adult, I realized then, that my life was going to change. I have to admit that it did take a bit off guard to have a gay minister and to see SGL people sitting together and being a part of the service. I even found myself doing double takes when I would forget where I was. But I think the most impressive thing was that the message wasn't watered down. This wasn't a joke and people were serious. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about being deep in the way that traditional churches are. You know when people are so heaven-bound that they are no earthly good. No, these people are REAL but still have a love for God.

I wasn't long before I joined this church (Rehoboth Temple). I found myself learning to love myself again and to accept myself. Not just as a gay/bi male but as a child of God knowing that God loves me and has designed me. I found the hatred that I had for "church" and "religious people" beginning to disappear. I realized that the tactics used by some "christian" churches is a weapon of evil to make SGL people feel less than human, less than a child of God in order to create unhealthy lives, broken relationships, and no sense of well-being. In this way we will act as I did in the past and continue being the monsters that they try to make us out to be. I started to let go of so many things that I was holding onto from my past. But I think most of all, I realized that I need to apologize to so many people.

To my immediate family - I apologize for not allowing you to know who I truly am as a person and not having faith in your love for me.

To my ex-lover, boyfriends, interests - I apologize for not giving 100% of myself. For the torture that I put you through living a double life. For you having to deal with all of the pain, and insecurities. For allowing other people's limited acceptance manipulate our lives.

To my friends (who don't know me entirely -
I apologize for underestimating our friendship and love therefore giving you a pseudo-friendship. I realize by not being open and honest with you that I hindered our relationship from being deeper and more meaningful.

To my community (future generations) - I apologize for not being that pioneer to stand-up boldly, helping to bring down those old beliefs. Helping them to realize that sexuality is only a small part of us but is still a part of us. That love is love.

To my ex-girlfriend - I apologize for not being 100% open with you and my sexuality. For wasting your time and allowing you to love my guise.

To gay affirming churches - I apologize for giving my time, talent, tithes and efforts to churches that didn't accept or embrace me completely or would tolerate me as long as I was quiet. All of this time I could have been helping to raise the bar at a place of acceptance. I apologize to all of the people that I could have ministered to, allowing them to see that they do not have to put up with an abusive relationship (them and their church relationship). Sitting there being verbally abused Sunday after Sunday and being torn down on the inside.

I am not pretending to have it "all-together" as life is about on-going revelations and experiences but I know that in order to move-on, I must right the wrongs from my past.

I vow to disclose who I am to my family, loved ones, friends and anyone who needs to hear it. To live my life in a way that is healthy, and prosperous mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.


JACK June 16, 2009 6:57 PM  

For reasons beyond the scope of this comment pane ... I adore this post. And you ended it so well I'm mad. lol. Well done.

Unknown June 19, 2009 10:51 AM  

As a PK, this post did so much for eyes welled with tears feeling so much of what you said resonates with everything that I am. Thanks may feel the need to apologize (and you have) but the greatest reparation you've made is to share your story and the beauty of living in your truth. This post just elevates you to another place (don't know which plane I should use there) for me. Today, you are truly the bomb for me.

Ty June 19, 2009 11:56 AM  

@ Jack & Cocoa,

Thanks guys. It's nice to have shared something so sensitive and personal and see that others have walked away with something. It is nice to return the favor from experiencing the same thing reading some of your blog posts as well.

E June 24, 2009 11:01 PM  

Wow...this is the point that I'm slowly working my way towards. I think once I tell my parents about me, it won't really matter who else knows.

Thank you for sharing your story and yeah...I don't think any of us every truly have it together completely..:-)