No Looking Back (Pt 2 Shedding Layers)

After moving here, I originally stepped out boldly living my new life. Upon entering grad school and work, I was very open about my sexuality and actually began living my life without fear of reprisal. I began to really notice the full extent of the damage of living closeted. Ways previously unknown.

With that being said, there was one avenue that I tended to hold on to. In retrospect, I believe that in trying to save the relationship, I tried to cling back to the familiar with the hopes of rekindling us. I joined a COGIC church here in Jersey City (JC) and began living a double life again. You see, we met in church and both were active in the church back in the south. On the plus side, this time, I was only somewhat closeted. I was free most of the week (which I spent in NYC), it was only when I came back to JC to go to church that I put on the front. He soon followed and joined. Unfortunately, it was too late for us.

This carried on for about a year to year and a half until one day while at convocation, a preacher begin preaching about gays. That didn't bother me as much as I had become used to it by this time but because it was a message of hate. He actually said that we should get back to the days when "we" would kick little limp-wrist, sissy boys in the butt. And then to hear the church all amen and hallelujah to it struck a chord. As I sat there and wondered if he realized that if he did that today, it would be a hate crime. Something changed. It wouldn't manifest itself until a while later while I was at the church picnic. I had a wonderful time and just decided to take a walk and while on that walk it was like God himself spoke to me and told me that this life wasn't for me. That He had something better. On the way home I told my roommate that I wasn't coming back and didn't.

I tried to establish a new relationship with someone but people here just don't have the same interest in settling down as in other places that I've lived. I had my heart broken more than a few times and pretty much gave up on intrinsically dating someone with hopes of settling down. A bit lost and confused, I just began living my life any ol' kind of way. I've done some things that I am nowhere near proud of. Nothing illegal but living beneath my privilege. I had unprotected sex, began sleeping with every Tom that had a Dick that was Hairy, men, women, in-between, two-somes, three-somes, and more-somes. It is so funny how we can so quickly slip into something (I mean that in more ways than one). It is only by the grace of God that I never tested positive. I tried to feel love in any way possible. Even if it meant for me to pretend in my head while being with the one-night stands, etc. I tried to feel the love that couples had while being involved in three-somes with them. Kind of living through them. At that point, anything was better than nothing.

Then one day....

Stay tuned for part 3


fuzzy June 12, 2009 9:00 AM  

I remember that message and I don't particularly care for that preacher at all! Can't wait till part 3

JACK June 14, 2009 12:27 PM  

I love your blog - you write really well. I'll be back.

Cocoa Rican June 19, 2009 8:54 AM  

So proud of you for this post...
With my dad being a minister I feel so much of what you say here...
The honesty is enough to establish you on the top fave of everyone's blog list.

Ty June 19, 2009 12:00 PM  

@ fuzzy - Yeah, I know you remember. I was so livid at that point that I couldn't even see

@ Jack - thanks man and yeah I would love for you to frequent the blog.

@ Cocoa - Thanks. Yeah if you are a PK as well, you all so well know what I'm talking about.

E June 24, 2009 10:58 PM  

This line caught my eye...very creative but in the context of what you went through, very sad.

"began sleeping with every Tom that had a Dick that was Hairy"

It's amazing how hypocritical a lot of conventional churches are. People are so judgmental yet they do all kinds of things behind closed doors. I'm glad you left there.

And now I leave to read Part 3..:-)