No Looking Back (Pt 1 Under Wraps)


This is probably the most personal post that I've written in a while but it needs to be said. I was listening to "No Looking Back" by Damita Haddon (see video above) and that song just got all in me. You must listen to the words to really understand where I am going in this post. But, I began thinking about how this is where I feel that I am in my life right now.

You see, before I moved to the NYC area I lived in Hilton Head, SC and Savannah, GA. There I lived half-in and half-out of the closet. You know what I mean; you have a few friends house that you could wild out at but everything else was on the low. I had a lover and we had the "fake room" so that when people stopped by, we could pretend that we slept in different rooms, etc. I did this mostly because I didn't want to disrupt my great-grandparents life with rumors of my lifestyle getting back to them but I also had my issues of insecurity.

While listening to the song I thought about how living in that way made life so stressful for both of us. So much so that it lead to a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Until I realized that in order to save us and to save myself that we would have to leave and go where we could be free. This was despite the fact that I had planned to stay around until my great-grandmother passed on so that she wouldn't be there without me. After making arrangements to have here well taken care of, we decided to move to the NYC area.

I remember that feeling of regret while riding in that tore up U-Haul truck, not knowing how we were going to support ourselves, no job lined up for neither of us, how I was going to have all of the money that I needed for school and not knowing if it was too late to try to salvage my relationship. Regret, not for those things but for the damage that was done to both myself and my lover while trying to live a double life. I remember praying that it wasn't too late to save what we had. But I knew that I was now free, I know that God loves me and that was all that really mattered. I refused to live that way again.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

5 comments:

fuzzy June 12, 2009 9:02 AM  

goes on to read part 2! This was a very deep read!

Big E June 14, 2009 5:27 PM  

Thank you for sharing!

Cocoa Rican June 19, 2009 8:48 AM  

I'm so glad you wrote this. It somehow makes you more human for those of us who only tend to see a professional or socialite type side from your posts. Great idea...and great that your honesty shone through.

Ty June 19, 2009 12:01 PM  

@ E - thanks

E June 24, 2009 10:53 PM  

Wow...that was very honest and a lot of folks (myself included) can relate to the "double life" scenario. Going on to read Part II.

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