I hope that everyone enjoyed their pride on yesterday in NYC. I had a blast. I will be posting pics and vids soon but had this one thing that I wanted to post on Friday but never got around to it. I heard this song for the first time on Thursday titled "Don't You Pay Them No Mind" by Nina Simone. The recording wasn't the best and cuts off half way through but the lyrics to the words touched me. And really had me wondering is she was talking about a SGL relationship. Either way I found it very inspiring and encouraging and appropriate for Pride month. Here is the vid and the lyrics are below. I also posted another video (on a lighter note). I dedicate both videos to Cocoa Rican and his lover (fiancé) BD.
Lyrics:
"If people laugh each time they see us walking by and their whispering just make you feel like you wanna cry. Keep on walking by my side don't look behind. You know I love you, so don't you pay em' no mind.
People say our love ain't gonna last too long. And they point at us, just like we've been doing something wrong, keep on looking in my eyes and we'll be fine. You see I love you, so don't you pay em' no mind.
Stay with me and let em' see, let em' know that you love me, that u love me, if it's true who cares what they do? Cause I don't need anyone but you. Just you and me, we're gonna make it all alone. Let them laugh at us, we're gonna build a world all our own, Keep on then, keep on holdin on to me,they'll learn in time. I really love you, so don't you pay em' no mind. You know I love you, you know I can't be without you."
Dedicated to Cocoa and BD
I've Just Experienced Drama Dupree
I saw this on another blog today and this was my first experience with Drama Dupree. I believe I will be a long time subscriber. LOL
His blog is http://dramadupree.com/
Spectrum (Recreating Self) Project
Here are some untouched pics (screenshots) from a video project that I'm working on. I hope to have it finished and posted by the end of the month.
This Weekend's Events
There are two things of note going on this weekend. If you are around, come check them out.
Recreating Self-"Clothed in Our Right Minds"
Date: Saturday, June 20, 2009 from 3:00 PM - 6:00 PM (ET)
Cost: Free
Location:
Rehoboth Temple Christ Conscious Church
310 West 139th St. (between Frederick Douglass & Edgecombe)
New York, 10013
We invite you to our series of discussions around "Recreating Self". The conversation during our discussions will focus on recreating ourselves mentally, physically, financially and spiritually.
We ask the question, “Have you been struggling to reconcile your sexuality with your relationship with God?” It has been found that many in our community feel a spiritual disconnect from God because of their sexuality. For many, the politics of this world, relationships, friends and even family have left them feeling empty and alone.
1) Dealing with the beliefs, stereotypes and untruths that have been internalized within us.
2) Freeing ourselves from behaviors/labels/stigmas that have been placed on us.
3) Examining the need of community “socially normative” individuals to validate their negativity
toward marginalized individuals.
4) Empowering one's self to become free.
5) Going back to the communities of our oppressors to validate ourselves by our lives and
not solely by our words.
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2nd Annual Tavern of Creativity - Spring Fever
Host: Cathy Delaleu
Location:
Baha'i Center
53 East 11th Street
New York, NY 10003 US
When: Sunday, June 21, 5:00PM
Let the rhythm flow with spring fever at our fingertips. Come and enjoy this unique event you won't want to miss. Poets, artists and musicians uniting in one special space to create magic.
Poetry reading starts at 6pm sharp. Two open mics will be selected from the audience.
Your $5 donations will get you a raffle ticket for a chance to win some cool artsy prizes.
This event starts at 5pm and ends at 9:30pm. Refreshments will be served.
No Looking Back (Pt 3 Revelations)
... I found myself at Pride. It was your usual myriads of half naked men and women parading down the street celebrating life. Then, I heard a familiar sound from the distance. It was church music. And not just church music, Pentecostal style music. Instantly, I was like, "What the....?!?" And sure enough, there was a float for a church with SGL people on it in the middle of Pride. I instantly knew that I had to get a flyer but at the same time knew that they had to be from out-of-town. It was to my surprise that I realized that they were in Harlem. I know, right?!? Harlem!!!
So I decided to give it a try. And, although it is a bit smaller than many of the churches that I've been affiliated with as an adult, I realized then, that my life was going to change. I have to admit that it did take a bit off guard to have a gay minister and to see SGL people sitting together and being a part of the service. I even found myself doing double takes when I would forget where I was. But I think the most impressive thing was that the message wasn't watered down. This wasn't a joke and people were serious. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about being deep in the way that traditional churches are. You know when people are so heaven-bound that they are no earthly good. No, these people are REAL but still have a love for God.
I wasn't long before I joined this church (Rehoboth Temple). I found myself learning to love myself again and to accept myself. Not just as a gay/bi male but as a child of God knowing that God loves me and has designed me. I found the hatred that I had for "church" and "religious people" beginning to disappear. I realized that the tactics used by some "christian" churches is a weapon of evil to make SGL people feel less than human, less than a child of God in order to create unhealthy lives, broken relationships, and no sense of well-being. In this way we will act as I did in the past and continue being the monsters that they try to make us out to be. I started to let go of so many things that I was holding onto from my past. But I think most of all, I realized that I need to apologize to so many people.
To my immediate family - I apologize for not allowing you to know who I truly am as a person and not having faith in your love for me.
To my ex-lover, boyfriends, interests - I apologize for not giving 100% of myself. For the torture that I put you through living a double life. For you having to deal with all of the pain, and insecurities. For allowing other people's limited acceptance manipulate our lives.
To my friends (who don't know me entirely -
I apologize for underestimating our friendship and love therefore giving you a pseudo-friendship. I realize by not being open and honest with you that I hindered our relationship from being deeper and more meaningful.
To my community (future generations) - I apologize for not being that pioneer to stand-up boldly, helping to bring down those old beliefs. Helping them to realize that sexuality is only a small part of us but is still a part of us. That love is love.
To my ex-girlfriend - I apologize for not being 100% open with you and my sexuality. For wasting your time and allowing you to love my guise.
To gay affirming churches - I apologize for giving my time, talent, tithes and efforts to churches that didn't accept or embrace me completely or would tolerate me as long as I was quiet. All of this time I could have been helping to raise the bar at a place of acceptance. I apologize to all of the people that I could have ministered to, allowing them to see that they do not have to put up with an abusive relationship (them and their church relationship). Sitting there being verbally abused Sunday after Sunday and being torn down on the inside.
I am not pretending to have it "all-together" as life is about on-going revelations and experiences but I know that in order to move-on, I must right the wrongs from my past.
I vow to disclose who I am to my family, loved ones, friends and anyone who needs to hear it. To live my life in a way that is healthy, and prosperous mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Whitney Houston vs. Melonie Daniels
Part 3 to "No Turning Back" should be posted in the next couple of days but in the meantime I had to post this dream that I had last night.
It started off with Beyonce coming over to my house. Evidently we were tight like that and when she would come in town, she would just stay at my house. Anyway, she came in town for a concert where there were several artists performing. Some kind of way, I was backstage and watching Beyonce perform. But I was also in charge of getting the next artist ready to perform. So Ms. Whitney Houston was there but Melonie Daniels was performing first. So Mel walks up and we were really happy to see each other and hugged and laughed for a minute. But I remember that I wanted to go to the front of the stage for something. No sooner did I get up there and I heard this disruption. I turn around and Mel is sliding across the stage. It was Mel and Whitney fighting. I was so shocked. Mel, you could tell, didn't want to fight but Whitney was just going crazy. At one point they were rolling around on the floor pulling hair and everything. At that point Mel was just getting fed up and finally began fighting back. Some people try to break it up and separated the two. Some kind of way Whitney got loose and charged Mel, tackling her to the ground. Pumps were flying everywhere. Next thing I know, Whitney drop kicks Mel off of the stage and the stage was on fire. I woke up and was like wtf?!?
Then I had another dream where Mel was at another event and I tried to reach out to her but couldn't reach her and just about when I was ready to touch her, she vanished. I don't know what I ate but dayum.
Omar Ramon Boxing?!?
I'm sorry but I couldn't resist. I saw this pic and it reminds so much of Omar (if he were a straight boxer) LOL
No Looking Back (Pt 2 Shedding Layers)
After moving here, I originally stepped out boldly living my new life. Upon entering grad school and work, I was very open about my sexuality and actually began living my life without fear of reprisal. I began to really notice the full extent of the damage of living closeted. Ways previously unknown.
With that being said, there was one avenue that I tended to hold on to. In retrospect, I believe that in trying to save the relationship, I tried to cling back to the familiar with the hopes of rekindling us. I joined a COGIC church here in Jersey City (JC) and began living a double life again. You see, we met in church and both were active in the church back in the south. On the plus side, this time, I was only somewhat closeted. I was free most of the week (which I spent in NYC), it was only when I came back to JC to go to church that I put on the front. He soon followed and joined. Unfortunately, it was too late for us.
This carried on for about a year to year and a half until one day while at convocation, a preacher begin preaching about gays. That didn't bother me as much as I had become used to it by this time but because it was a message of hate. He actually said that we should get back to the days when "we" would kick little limp-wrist, sissy boys in the butt. And then to hear the church all amen and hallelujah to it struck a chord. As I sat there and wondered if he realized that if he did that today, it would be a hate crime. Something changed. It wouldn't manifest itself until a while later while I was at the church picnic. I had a wonderful time and just decided to take a walk and while on that walk it was like God himself spoke to me and told me that this life wasn't for me. That He had something better. On the way home I told my roommate that I wasn't coming back and didn't.
I tried to establish a new relationship with someone but people here just don't have the same interest in settling down as in other places that I've lived. I had my heart broken more than a few times and pretty much gave up on intrinsically dating someone with hopes of settling down. A bit lost and confused, I just began living my life any ol' kind of way. I've done some things that I am nowhere near proud of. Nothing illegal but living beneath my privilege. I had unprotected sex, began sleeping with every Tom that had a Dick that was Hairy, men, women, in-between, two-somes, three-somes, and more-somes. It is so funny how we can so quickly slip into something (I mean that in more ways than one). It is only by the grace of God that I never tested positive. I tried to feel love in any way possible. Even if it meant for me to pretend in my head while being with the one-night stands, etc. I tried to feel the love that couples had while being involved in three-somes with them. Kind of living through them. At that point, anything was better than nothing.
Then one day....
Stay tuned for part 3
No Looking Back (Pt 1 Under Wraps)
This is probably the most personal post that I've written in a while but it needs to be said. I was listening to "No Looking Back" by Damita Haddon (see video above) and that song just got all in me. You must listen to the words to really understand where I am going in this post. But, I began thinking about how this is where I feel that I am in my life right now.
You see, before I moved to the NYC area I lived in Hilton Head, SC and Savannah, GA. There I lived half-in and half-out of the closet. You know what I mean; you have a few friends house that you could wild out at but everything else was on the low. I had a lover and we had the "fake room" so that when people stopped by, we could pretend that we slept in different rooms, etc. I did this mostly because I didn't want to disrupt my great-grandparents life with rumors of my lifestyle getting back to them but I also had my issues of insecurity.
While listening to the song I thought about how living in that way made life so stressful for both of us. So much so that it lead to a very unhealthy and abusive relationship. Until I realized that in order to save us and to save myself that we would have to leave and go where we could be free. This was despite the fact that I had planned to stay around until my great-grandmother passed on so that she wouldn't be there without me. After making arrangements to have here well taken care of, we decided to move to the NYC area.
I remember that feeling of regret while riding in that tore up U-Haul truck, not knowing how we were going to support ourselves, no job lined up for neither of us, how I was going to have all of the money that I needed for school and not knowing if it was too late to try to salvage my relationship. Regret, not for those things but for the damage that was done to both myself and my lover while trying to live a double life. I remember praying that it wasn't too late to save what we had. But I knew that I was now free, I know that God loves me and that was all that really mattered. I refused to live that way again.
Stay tuned for Part 2.
New Creative Challenge/Creative Challenge Submissions
New Creative Challenge:
The topic for the next Creative Challenge will be "Pride" in celebration of pride month. You will have until 6/30 to submit your entries. Happy Pride!!!
Creative Challenge Submissions:
Here are the submitted pieces for this month's Creative Challenge with the theme of AIDS. I love you Cath.
WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT
Love had nothing to do with it
You hear me?
Nada
I was simply hungry for a meal and he offered
Offered without hesitation
I agreed to let him spend the night on one condition
That he sleeps on the couch
While I stayed put in my bedroom
Wearing my sexiest nighty
I came out of the room to go brush my teeth
Of course, he saw me
His mouth dropped at the sight of cleavage and long legs
Loss of words,
I tell you, the look on his face was “priceless”
I knew what I was doing
Brushed my teeth real good then headed back to the room
In the dark
We spoke about poetry
He asked questions as if he was a radio jockey
Wondering why I’m so fascinated with words
Then there was silence
I thought he had fallen asleep
“Kiella? Are you still up?”
“Yeah,” I replied from the bedroom
“Can I join you?”
“Where are we going?” I jokingly asked
“I want to hold you…that’s all.”
“Ok”
Deep down inside I knew it wasn’t going to last
His footsteps were heard in the dark
I felt his thick, warm body close to mine
He pulled me close, wrapped his arms around my waist
It only took five minutes
It was way too tempting not to turn around
And do the do
When it was over
We were both exhausted
The next morning I woke up to find him staring right at me
“I’m in love,” he said with a sweet smile
“What love has to do with a midnight snack?”
“Is that what you call it?”
“It is what it is.”
He got up and went back to the couch
I went back to sleep
©2009by Cathy Delaleu
Memorandum
Didn’t you get the memo?
I thought it was evident that love has left the building
You won’t feel this summer’s shadow on your bed
No E-vites
No E-Cards
No free membership to my Bally’s
No I-Tunes
No lyrics for free
As a matter of fact you can dunk your donut elsewhere
Don’t you dare use my home as your depot
Yes, love has left the building along with the phone sex
The yahoo messenger
Porn videos you enjoyed so much while I dirty danced my way to you
Entertainment is not tonight
Victoria took her secret back
You can relax
I’m ok being solo
I’ve taken with me the dog, the fish, cleaned up the fridge
wiped out the bank account
My groove came back 168 hours ago
7 days to be exact
at a poetry event in the village
Mr. Ken stepped up to me
Fine as hell
Can you spell pfine?
How pfine?
He had me stuttering
I don’t usually stutter during a performance on stage
But he was looking at me as if he could devour me right there like cheesecake
Hi, I’m cheesecake, my eyes said to him
I’m strawberry, he threw back, licking his lips
Ha! Ha!
See, he had to ask
Didn’t just grab it
He was a gentleman about it
Not how you did it when we met online
The way you lied about your age and pictures
See, you tricked me more than once
Why did I give in?
Don’t know, must have been crazy lonely
You know, loneliness is an empty glass of Cosmo
You fill it up when you get thirsty
I filled up my glass with my sexy spoken-word
It was a wrap
Ken was immediately hooked
Easy
You’re replaceable
I wake up and to my left is Mr. Ken
Pfine as hell
I tell you, I don’t need breakfast in the morning
I can eat him up just by watching him sleep
It’s not a sin to move on
Not a sin to be happy with someone new
When it’s new even the sheets scream happy, joy, joy
The pillows smell Downey April fresh
Waking up for work sucks
I bitch and moan about it
Can’t wait to run back home to the new toy waiting
I’m the Barbie he gets to play with
He’s the Frederick’s to my Hollywood
Every night I’m a different character
Tonight I’m his Crazy In Love, Beyonce
Bouncing booty at 80 mph
He is hypnotized, can’t stop drooling
Baby do you need a napkin?
I give him a taste of my tropics
Taking him to Haiti
Where he eats the rice, beans, best of all the spicy pork
I tell him don’t bite too hard on my mangoes
They’re ripped enough to give him cavities
You look upset?
Should I go on about Ken wanting to buy his Barbie a house?
I’m his KFC
Krazy Fine Cliterature
Literally, the clit speaks to him in tongues
Can’t focus on the ceiling fan
When he’s causing adequate riot
Are you taking note?
Again why did I bother with you?
Must have been pretty bored when I surfed the net
All I can say is
You’re the biggest LOSER
©2009 by Cathy Delaleu
Creative Challenge Update.
I have received one entry for the creative challenge, so far, but it isn't too late. I will post all entries by Saturday of this week so you have until then to submit your entry.
For more information on this month's challenge, you can go here.
