My Addiction

One of my favorite movies is "Requiem for a Dream" released in 2000. It basically is about how four ambitious people whose lives are shattered when their drug addictions begin spiraling out of control. I won't go into much detail about the movie for those who haven't seen it but will say that it deals with various forms of addictions. It deals with substance, food, money, co-dependency, emotional, and sexual additions among others.

After watching it this weekend, I wondered what are my addictions. I actually went to church on Sunday (a gay-friendly one for those who frequent my blog). It was at 96th and Broadway. Afterwards I walked from 96th to 38th street pondering that question. I realized one is that I am addicted love or at least feeling love. When I say that, I mean outside of my loving family and friends. I'm talking about relationship-wise.

In an..... argument on Saturday, I was told that when I become interested in someone, that I cling on and don't want to let go. The sad thing is that I know that it is true. Hell, even My Love Style Results said it. I realize that I try to hold on to love like Star Jones holds on to the last piece of chicken. I even go into dating wide-eyed yet not seeing anything like the diluted pupil of a crack addict. I keep trying to force my type of committment and intensity into people who are contaminated with other issues, like a heroin addict shooting up in an infected arm. I throw myself completely into them with the hopes of making it work. Neglecting or stealing time away from friends, and loved ones and declining prospective dates like an addict that steals from their loved ones and friends trying to get their next hit. Hawking my best intentions of love only for someone to receive it for less like a family heirloom that someone receives from the pawn shop for $10. I know that others view my desperate acts as lugubrious and pathetic but like the addict shaking and looking like a derelict I am too wrapped up in my addiction that I either don't care or notice. When I finally notice how far I've let myself go, I decide to pull it together like an addict going into detox. And just like some addicts, I suffer from habitual relapse.