Dating Dilemna

Being new to this area (about two years now) and just really getting into the dating scene only a few months ago, I find myself a little frustrated. Frustrated because I'm torn between how dating has been for me in other regions of the country and what I perceive it to be here. And with that, trying to find a space in this arena that is me, in other words a compromise without losing self.

In other places, I have dated people and all the while we are dating all energies have been concentrated on each other. That is to say that from the time we discovered an interest we would put off meeting other people (at least for dating purposes) and focused on getting to know each other better. My experiences here in dating has been that people call themselves dating you but are still taking numbers and trying to split time up between you and boyfriend number 2-5. This is definitely a paradigm shift and I have to admit that I don't quite understand completely. I understand that you want to keep your options open but can you really get to know a person this way? There isn't enough hours in a day already with work and all of the other things that we have to do and then have to try to split your time up between so many different people, how is this done?

It also seems to me that some of the people that I have dated here remind me of monkeys. No, that isn't a racial slur but describes a behavior. Monkeys can have a diamond in their hand but if you flash a mirror at them, they will drop the diamond and chase after the new shiny object. People seem to be that way to me. They will have a functioning and meaningful relationship with someone and see a "shiny" new face and will drop their relationship, leaving behind the hard-work and time that it took to develop and chase after the chance to develop something with this new face. When does it stop?

Lastly, I have only dated African-American and Latinos in this area which is unusual for me because I typically have not restricted my dating options because of race. I've seen people of Indian, Asian and Middle-Eastern descent that I am attracted to and would even possibly date them if the opportunity arose. My concern is that I haven't been attracted to any Caucasians. At first I thought it was because I haven't met the right one. But I noticed that when I search on-line and profile search, I completely leave them out. Why? My God, I was raised in Indiana so you know that I have dated my fair share of them in the past but why has this changed?

In a place where everyone seems too busy to take time to intrinsically develop a relationship with someone, how do I meet that special person? How do I adapt? Should I adapt? Am I sending signals contrary to what I expect? Where is my drink?


Rodney May 24, 2006 12:29 PM  

I LOVE this post. You have accurately put your finger on the problem of dating in the northeast. It's funny, even though I'm from NJ, I found dating much more pleasant in the midwest (Chicago). What's even funnier is that I ended up with a midwesterner that I met in NY. I found dating in the NY/NJ metro area to be as crazy and fast-paced as driving in Manhattan. I had a lot of great sex though.

Don't adapt!!! Stay true to yourself. You might go back to Indiana one day. There are single fellas in the metro area who feel as you do. As a matter of fact, I have a friend....

Ms.Honey May 24, 2006 1:03 PM  

When you find out the answer let me know and get me a drink too LOL

But as rodney stated be you cause in the long run after all is said and done and the monkey's have stopped chasing the mirrors that's all that will count

chris May 24, 2006 6:53 PM  

I really like this post. especially the part about the monkey holding the diamond and you flashing a mirror. that is exactly how dating is these days...and it is a shame.

Ty May 25, 2006 10:03 AM  

Thanks for the posts.

Rodney - Maybe that is the answer, to keep searching for other people who feel as I do. The problem is, where are they!!! Funny analogy too with driving in the area. And who knows, maybe I can see about your friend. LOL

honey-libra - We should go for quite a few drinks and maybe I won't care about this any longer. LOL

Chris - It is nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Gives me hope that there may be a chance of finding someone. Thanks

antneya May 25, 2006 11:16 AM  

Thank you for your message, I hope to see you in New York at a screening...dont start me on the dating scene..I am actually gonna relocate to a cave in the mountains soon, just me and a sheep..(dont ask)

Ty May 25, 2006 12:41 PM  

Will definitely look for you at the screening. And about the sheep..... don't ask, don't tell. LOL

Diane Mandy May 26, 2006 10:46 AM  

Interesting post. Makes me happy I am in a serious relationship these days! It also made me laugh because for the longest while I only dated African Americans and Latinos for the longest time (salsa scene), but in the end I ended up with an Egyptian--go figure. :-) Don't worry about the fact that you aren't attracted to any one particular group, it doesn't say anything about you-- just what your tastes reflect at the moment.

Lyrically speaking May 29, 2006 9:47 AM  

Ty, I moved to NY five years ago...being from California my perception of dating was simply casual yet I knew it had stability. But in NY, the mecca world of dating has been quite a rollercoaster ride. I totally understand where you're coming from. Be patient, take your time to enjoy and value the friends you have. The moment will come for you to meet the one. This was a great post to read. Thanks for sharing.

Jay May 31, 2006 10:50 AM  

I realize this comment is coming days after this post was written and had I read this sooner we could have discussed this in person, but i must say it now, I agree with your preception on dating in the nj/ny metro area. Sadly I must admit, I have fallen more than once on the side of talking to multiple people. The initial rush is exciting and re assuring to the ego, but ultimately, if lucky, you end up with a very complex problem. Who to date and who to let go? Faced with that question on two different occassions, I've decided to focus on only one person at a time. And as soon as that one person decides i'm the one, I'll be ready with no difficult questions to answer. The problem with this approach on dating and why its most difficult in this area is, we are always looking/searching for the next best thing. We want the new car, bag, clothes, glasses, etc. and settling for what we have, no matter how good it is, is just that, settling. So whats the solution? Stand by your prinicples and find what works for you.