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Nef's View Point
Torn
Well people, I have met someone. Things are still very early but I believe that he is truly interested. Of course, that is how it always starts out but time will tell. I am torn though, with a few things.
Number one: He is a smoker. He hasn't shown himself to be a chain smoker but will have one or two a day. I don't really notice the smell of cigarettes until we kiss. In case you don't know, I llllloooooovvvvveeee to kiss. So the smell of cancer-waiting-to-happen is a turn-off.
Number two: He is a bit closeted. He says that he doesn't really have too many gay friends. And his "straight" friends don't know about him. He is so bad that he didn't even want to meet up with me and some friends on Christopher street during day light hours. WTF!!! I will have to say that he did do it though but that is a major red flag to me. It is really confusing being that I think he is a total bottom. HUH?!? On top of that he is always babysitting his straight friend's baby.
Number three: I have REALLY been enjoying the single life lately.
Number four: Although he is latino, he seems to deplore anything latino. Sniff.... sniff.....sniff. I smell self-hatred.
Outside of these issues, he treats me with the utmost respect. We always have a good time when we are together. He is one of the few people who can make me laugh when I'm irritated. He goes out of his way to see me, hang out with me and, hallelujah, picks up the check frequently. I guess we will see what happens.
New Creative Challenge Ideas
This month's creative challenge will be "cool costumes". I changed it as I am so late posting this and for Halloween. You will have until November 3 to get your submissions to me.
Seeing that very many people are not participating in the Creative Challenges I have been thinking about revamping it. Here are a couple of ideas. Tell me what you think
Option 1 - What if I post a blog entry on Friday and people can creatively respond straight to that post. People can either respond, add pics, vids, find a pic on-line that they think fits the topic, etc. Everyone would have until the next Friday posting
Option 2 - The other way is to do a kind of pass the buck. I will post an image each week and everyone can download it and manipulate it in any way, or respond on the blog about the pic, sing a jingle, or whatever.
Of if you would like to see something else, let me know.
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Volunteers Needed!!!
I am also looking for people to help me out with a piece that I am working on to bring awareness to domestic violence in same gender loving relationships. This is a public service project and there is not pay but will be nice in someone's portfolio.
I need people to shoot video, motion graphic people, graphic artists, actors (tastefully, partially nude parts), and musicians/vocalists.
If you do not fit into any of these categories but still would like to help, please let me know. There may be more than one project.
Overlooked and Overshadowed
I will apologize for the long post but have so much to say. On Sunday while riding in Edgewater I was instantly reminded of a childhood memory. I remember going to Chicago's Sears tower and I noticed another building to the east. It was beautiful and had so much detail to it. The tour guide saw me looking and told me that it was the Chicago Board of Trade Building. I remember the building regally showing its art deco style. At the very top is a status of Ceres, the goddess of grain and harvest. I guess it is between 20-50 feet and was created with painstakingly and precise detail. There is a clock with these gothic like figures that enthralled me. I remember wishing that I could leave and visit that building instead. I thought to myself that it was such a pity that this beautiful building was overshadowed by a building that, in my opinion, was only taller and not as beautifully detailed.
I don't know why this was on my mind but begin thinking how this represents life. So often many people with wonderful qualities are overlooked as people quickly pass to something newer or more trendy. In the music industry, you have artists that have honed their skills to near brilliance and do not get the respect that they deserve. Mostly because so many people will flock to who can gyrate the fastest or who has a slammin' beat but can't tell you a word to the song. There are movies that the writer/producers have taken time to massage their plots and story lines into fantastic, multi-layered films/videos. Yet, because they lack explosions or the new "it" movie star, are viewed by minimal audiences. You have people who take great care of not only their physical but their inner self and can not find partners. All because the fashion industry says that their look is "out" right now. There are singers with melodic and beautifully toned voices that are never heard because there is someone that is louder that sings over them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that those other artists, writers/producers and people should not be respected and prosper also but is it proportioned? Sometimes, no!
It kind of weighed heavy on my heart until I remembered a dream I had a few years ago. I was toiling about the same thing but with the people who work hard in the church. There are dedicated people who never receive a dime and then you have those who are paid handsomely and don't care or do much about/around the church. My dream opened up with me on a mountain and I was looking down at some of the diligent workers who were working in what looked like a dismal scene. They were walking around in the mud with their head hung and rain beating down on their heads. I looked to my left and there was Jesus. I asked him why would He allow this to happen and He told me to look again. I saw the same thing and asked Him twice more receiving the same response. The last time I looked and realized that the rain was sparkling. It was then that I realized that they were diamonds. It all became clear to me. They weren't drenching wet walking around in mud. They were so saturated in God's blessings pouring down from heaven that it even blessed the ground they were walking on. And they weren't walking with their heads down in shame but in worship for His goodness.
Anyway, for all those who feel overlooked and overshadowed, I hope you are encouraged. This is for you:
Fallen Art
Ok, my fourth posting this week. Anyway, not sure if I have put this up before but if not, here it is. Hope you enjoy. You have to watch it until the end and with sound.
Baginski - Fallen Art
Another Post
This is a cellphone wallpaper that I created for one of my friends (Gabriel).
Here is a little video from Ambroses Salsa birthday party on Saturday night. Ambrose and Alejandro did a solo dance.
Here is a pic of my friend Gabriel after Ambrose's party before we realized that he really was drunk enough to strip in the middle of West Side Highway.
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This is a pic of me and Ambrose. God I hate pictures of myself.
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I saw this last night on a bumper for Adult Swim and lo and behold it is already on youtube. The part that I find funny are the pauses. The guy actually pushes pause on the cassette player. I asked some of my Indian friends to translate what the mother says at the end but it is southern Indian and they are northern. Maybe someone can shed some light. Anyway, hope you enjoy.
Morning Thoughts
I don't know if it is from the lack of sleep or what, but this morning I had so many things on my mind. One thing that was on my mind is kind of a continuation from my Kama Yo post. The song, "Back To Life" was in my head and the part that says, "However do you want me. However do you need me. Tell me, maybe I can be that for you". This is kind of my attitude toward relationships right now. It sounds strange, but it is true. I am to a point where I don't care if you want us to be just friends, friends with benefits, boyfriend, monogamous lover, open-relationship lover, or my least favorite f*** buddy. I really just want to know from people where we honestly stand. It is what it is!!! The problem is that too many people don't know what they want but I won't even get started on that. That is another post. In my thinking, I was wondering whether I have evolved into a more enlightened or open-minded person towards relationships to accept whatever one may offer or have I just become so worn down by the constant failure of trying to find my lover for life?
The truth is, as of right now, I really don't know. I know I really long for a monogamous relationship but I also enjoy being single. I like being a little flirty sometimes. I like knowing that IF I want to hook up with someone, I can (although there isn't much of that going on right now). I enjoy being able to come and go as I please. I love my "me time". I like sleeping all over my bed and not worrying about someone being knocked off. lol But at the same time I want to grow with somone. I want to buy a house together, joint credit cards, two car garage, have the "me-and-you-against-the-world mentality". I want to long and ache for someone when they are not around. I want butterflies in my stomach when we get together. I don't want the sex that you have to try to impress someone with your acrobatical skills or your unique, porn-star like positions making sure they only see my good side and angles. I want the sex that all of that doesn't really matter, it may happen, but doesn't matter. Sex that is deeper than the physical. Where we feel comfotable to just be ourselves. Sex with contentment and love. Sex where their touch on my skin will superfluously remind me of their love and dedication. In our kisses we taste each other's full lips. The same lips that express true emotions, ideas, and can either cry aloud or speak sweetly of our love. I want to look into their eyes and see galaxies of wonderful moments. I want to know their scent and the very hint of it to fill me with ectasy beyond words. The warmth of their body close to me will first chill me then heighten my sense of touch so much so that without touching I can feel when they swallow, their breath, their heartbeat, and their sincerity.
Kama Yo
"Do you remember? Remember me, I was the one who said that love was blind?
And like a fool I ran to you whenever you would cry.
Take me back! That's what you said
I could never turn you away
Take me back, that's what you said,
and oh how a fool must pay.
Blue is the colour of pain.
Exactly how I'll never know how you manage to persuade
those in your life to buy your lines and see the world your way.
One more chance, that's all, you said.
I could never turn you away
One more chance!
The price that a fool must pay.
Blue is the colour of pain.
Only hope you'll never know this pain. It's such a shame.
Many tears have run dry. I've cried all I've left to cry.
But now it's time to break that hold her spell you thought up long ago.
I'll see you later, love, I really must be gone, this fool telling you goodbye."
These are the lyrics to a song that I heard when I realized that my first male lover was cheating on me. Although I knew that it was time to leave I just couldn't seem to find the strength or nerve. It was my first time having sex voluntarily so my emotions were out of sorts and not being able to talk to anyone about my boyfriend didn't help. Then I heard this song and, simple as it may be, it helped me through that period and gave me strength. The song is titled, "Blue(Is the colour of pain)" sung by Caron Wheeler. Many may know her from her days with Soul II Soul. She was featured on the "Back To Life" (view video) , and "Keep On Moving (view video) tracks. This song was from her first solo CD.
The video for Blue tantalized my creativity with its layers and multi linear narratives. One has to remember that this video was in the early 90's. For its time this video was ahead of its time. Each time I watched the video I would notice something different within its layers.
After being empowered by the song I anxiously went and purchased the CD. I was really surprised. The CD had several inspiring songs that help mold me into who I am today. That CD along with the sophomore CD made me take note that her love and Afro-centric conscience songs used a different vocabulary than what was being used at that time. She wasn't saying the basic, I love you, I would die for you and other cliches. She used terminology/phrases like I'm enchanted by you, I adore you, and in your eyes all seasons lie. One of my favorite love songs of all time is "In Our Love (listen) This inspired me to want to try to step outside of the box to express myself.
The song "No Regrets" made me realize that my life isn't over yet and to not waste time on regrets. I quit complaining about not going to college right after high school and realized that as long as I am still breathing that I can eliminate those regrets. This led me to my two degrees. That mentality has followed me through the years which gives me my zest for life and desire to want to experience as much as possible.
Music Video Codes by VideoCure
To Buddy X
I have to say to my buddy X, this is for you for everything that you are going through with haters. Enjoy
Today's Thoughts
For the past few mornings a friend of mine and I have been having thought-provoking conversations on the way to work. Today we got on the subject of one of my ex's who seemed like he was looking for a suga-daddy. I am not trying to have that, I don't have enough for myself let alone someone else. I told my friend that my ex called me last night and wanted me to come over for .... a talk. lol Anyway my friend told me that I should hook up with him and (excuse me for a moment ) "f*** the hell out of him while calling him a bitch and spitting in his face". Of course I was a little taken back by this. My midwestern manners just won't let me. I'm a genteel hook up (lol). After questioning him on this behaviour I realized that in his culture (San Salvador) that people do that all of the time (according to him). It is done to hook ups that they have no feelings for and is accepted as normal. Now I know that some people here in the US like it rough. Someone to smack them around, pull their hair, then poke out on of their eyeballs and all of that kind of stuff. I just don't understand that. Why would you let someone do that to you in the bedroom when if it were someone on the street, they would be knocked down? Are there some deeper issues within the person that should be resolved? Is it just a preference like someone who likes threesomes? If you feel that you need to treat someone like that during sex, why not find someone that you appreciate better? I just chop it up to another one of those things that I don't understand.
Insomniac
One of my old co-workers from NYU emailed me and told me that she is about to graduate in December and wanted me to see one of her projects. I am so proud of her because she has been working her butt off trying to work full-time and go to school for the last few years but she has nearly made it. I really liked her project so I thought I would post it. (with her permission, of course). It is a visual narrative of Insomniac by Maya Angelou.
Thanks Jessica and Congratulations!
VMA Awards
Ok, I just can't resist. I normally wouldn't watch the VMA's, just as they have sucked the lsst 5 years or so but was with a friend who was excited to see it. Of all things he was excited to see Britney Spears(lmao). For those who haven't seen the performance, here you go:
She looked like either she just learned the dance steps right before the performance or like she was running through a rehearsal. I laughed my ass all the way through the performance. From the two steps in the beginning where she looked like she was going to fall on her face to 50 cent looking at her like wtf to Rihanna cracking up with her girl to the confused look of the people in the audience at the end. Did anyone notice the dancer who looked like Christian Vincent from Noah's Arc?
The highlight to me was Alicia Keys. Primarily because she seemed to be the only who actually sang and didn't lipsync the performance. Even though she was hoarse it was still refreshing still to hear someone singing live. Also the fact that she still performed while Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were fighting was admirable. I must admit it would have been funny for her to stop in the middle of the performance and yell, "Beat his ass Kid Rock!" but she was professional. If you missed it, well, here you go.
New CC Theme/This Month's Submissions
The Creative Challenge theme for the last CC was Lust. Since we started the seven deadly sins, I thought we would finish it.
New Theme: Gluttony
Due: 10/1/07
The other sins are greed,sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. Start pulling your ideas for these themes. By posting the next themes in advance hopefully we will have more than three submissions next time.
This is Fuzzy's submission. He is so faithful in entering something. Love ya.
Here is ShawnQT's submission. Nice video, you do your thang.
Here is my submission. Thanks to Derron for modeling. And best wishes in Africa.
It's Fall Again
As I walked out to my car to go to work on the other day, I realized that I felt a familiar tingling inside again. Before some of you go too far with it, it is a feeling of excitement. It dawned on me that we are entering fall which explains alot.
My first voluntary sexual experience was in the fall. It happened during the fall semester of my senior year in hight school. I was not only excited about graduation but started to grow into my body and started looking halfway like something. Started making friends and left my shy stage (somewhat).
Ever since then there is a type of nostalgic feeling that I receive around the fall. Most of my relationships develop or begin during the fall. I begin to look at people differently and begin to think about what they would be like in a relationship during the fall. My sexual desire heightens and I feel as if I am about to explode at all times. Even writing this post I am getting bumps on my arms. You would think that after so long that it would subside. Does anyone else have this experience with anything?
Creative Challenge
Just a reminder for those who are participating in the Creative Challenge that the due date is 9/3. The theme can be seen to the right in the column under my pic. Remember this can be anything for photos, writings, paintings, songs, etc.
I have also found a new way for everyone to get their files to me. You will have to be invited, so if interested respond to this post and I will shoot you the invite. You will also need a free adobe account. All of this info will be in the email but you can pre-register by going to www.adobe.com.
Will Work For ...
I debated whether to blog about this or not because I don't want any new readers to get the wrong idea about me, but then again, it is me.
Ok, here we go. As some of you already know, I will sometimes video porn for a friend of mine. When I say video, I mean just and ONLY that. I do it because money is money and I am a little bit of a freak. With that being said, it has sooo tainted me against porn. Porn no longer excites me the way it used to. Half the time I am just waiting for them to cum so I can go home.
Up until recently, it has been a pretty good setup especially since I really haven't had to be involved. The most that I have had to do is let some of the guys look at my ass while they .... take matters into their own hands. And believe me that was not easy; trying to video while shaking my ass. lol However, the last couple of times that I have gone to shoot the guys haven't really been interested in my friend and it was ... umm ... evident. They moreorless wouldn't even get hard unless I was close to them where they could feel my warmth or without me exposing myself. Last night I had to put down the cam and roll up my sleeves. Again, I will say NO SEX or ANYTHING that would give me any diseases but I worked hard to get the money shot. Now I think my friend is bitter about it. I hope he realizes that it isn't because I'm more attractive or sexier (if you see him, you will see that isn't the case), it is just because I am the enigma. They already know that they can see/have him when they get there. I am the challenge for them and we already know how some people really get off on the pursuit of the challenge. I've been trying to talk to him about it but he isn't answering my calls. I may have inadvertantly killed that supplement to my income.
Events
Sorry for two posting today but wanted to get this out because of the date sensitivity.
"Style Reloaded"
9/01/07 8pm-12am
HK Lounge New York: 39th & 9av
(Fashion Week Kick Off Party)
RSVP at Stylereloaded@uneqmagazine.com by August 29th
*Open Bar Sponsored by p.i.n.k. vodka
*Special performance by Columbia recording artist Jesse O
Presented by Project Publicity
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Fairgrounds IV Out At Night
Black? ... Latino? ... Blatino?
As of late I have been intrigued by an issue and although have my own thoughts about it, I was curious what others think.
For those who don't know, my biological dad is Dominican and my mom is Black (Geechee to be exact). I didn't grow up with my biological dad but with my step dad and mom. And I grew up under the Black influence. I have almost always lived in a mixed neighborhood (white/black) but my immediate family, church, and overall life experience was that of a Black male. When my dad tried to get me to learn Spanish, I really didn't see a need as I wouldn't be able to speak it with anyone. Yes, I grew up in Indianapolis, Latino population - 2% at that time. Of course it is different here where there are many Latinos.
Since moving here I have been trying to learn about the other side of me and the culture. It has been a wonderful experience and even therapeutic as in it I am learning to forgive my biological dad for some issues including abandonment.
What I am at war with internally is that I have noticed that when I tell Latinos, and especially Dominicans that I am half, they immediately say, "Oh, you're Latino' or "Oh, you're Dominican". I relate so much more with my Black roots that I feel a sense of abandonment to say that I am anything contrary. I also don't want to seem like some Blacks that think because they are mixed, that they are better than the rest. And God knows that I hate answering people with the, "I'm half Dominican and black" response when people ask. It makes me feel pretentious. But, at the same time, I also feel that if I don't acknowledge being Latino, am I abandoning my other heritage, however unfamiliar I am with it?
